


give me away

by mightierthanthecanon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Headcanon, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 12:41:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6704887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mightierthanthecanon/pseuds/mightierthanthecanon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone talks about Alec, but what if it's Jace who's the one in love? Who has to watch malec happen in front of him (and pretend to be happy about it) when all he wants is for things to go back to the way they used to be?</p>
            </blockquote>





	give me away

Jace loves Alec. Jace has always loved Alec. It’s not a struggle, it’s not a concern, it’s just a fact–something as easy and natural as breathing. So when the ritual fails miserably because of Jace’s face in the smoke, Alec may be mortified, but Jace’s entire world is rocked to its foundations. Because…of course Jace is the person Alec loves the most. Alec is the person that Jace loves the most. They’re _parabatai._ That’s not a surprise to him. What is a surprise, however–what keeps him awake at night–is the way Alec reacts to it. His embarrassment is so visceral it’s almost violent. It’s as though, for the first time in a long time, the love between him and Alec feels somehow shameful. Something to be hidden, instead of celebrated.

So now, of course, Jace has to wonder…is there something wrong with his feelings?

Is it wrong of him to love Alec more than anyone else in the world? To care about Alec’s opinion over anyone else’s, even that of his parents? To shun meaningful relationships in favor of casual hook-ups and one-night-stands, and to privately rejoice every time a bad date of Alec’s ends with the two of them laughing about everything that went wrong over beers and bad tv? 

When Jace thinks about it, of course it is. It hadn’t started out that way. He’d started out, when they were young and foolish, worshipping the ground that Alec walked on. If Jace was honest with himself, he’d never really stopped. Regardless of how much Jace might have wanted to keep Alec all to himself, he’d soon realized that he couldn’t–it just wasn’t _done._

Jace has the same realization now, watching Alec walk away from him. Alec knows better. Their feeling are…wrong. Selfish. And Jace should know better too.  _Emotions cloud judgement._

So he forces himself to let Alec go–spends less time with him at the Institute, goes on missions by himself. And when Jace sees the way Clary looks at him, well…it isn’t that hard to tell himself that his feelings for her are romantic. After all, he convinced himself his feelings for Alec were platonic for years. 

And it works, at least until Magnus shows up. 

Because then, he has to watch as Magnus does to Alec all the things that Jace used to dream about–touch him, flirt with him, make him smile, make him blush. He has to listen to Alec’s adorable, endearing stutter, and know that it’s all because of Magnus fucking Bane. Worse, Lydia Branwell comes to town, and Jace has to listen to Alec talk about his upcoming marriage with a straight face. Like it’s something that he wants. Like he and Jace haven’t spent their entire lives mocking the idea of marriage and planning to be together forever. But none of that matters, because now, Alec’s whole world is Magnus, Lydia, and the Institute.

Jace doesn’t even exist to him anymore. They’re not friends. They’re not parabatai. They barely even speak. So, when Jace goads Alec into punching him in the face, it’s almost a relief. It feels like forever since the last time they spoke, and even longer since the last time they touched, and Jace knows that all of this is his fault. If he hadn’t lied to himself and to Alec and to everyone else (all those people he slept with to keep himself from thinking about Alec’s face, and Alec’s hair, and Alec’s body next to his), then this wouldn’t be happening. They’d probably be halfway to taking over the world by now, fighting by day and fucking by night and leaving a trail of dead demons in their wake. 

But that isn’t the way it happened. Jace had made sure of that. So he lets Alec beat the shit out of him. Because he deserves it. 

When Alec asks Jace to give him away at the wedding, he says yes. He deserves that too.

Alec’s wedding day is one of the hardest things Jace has ever had to do, but he does it. He’s a good shadowhunter. Jace isn’t good at much else, and he’s slowly coming to terms with the fact that he isn’t good for much else either, but he knows how to plaster a cocky smile on his face and get the job done. So Jace makes sure his hands don’t shake when he fixes Alec’s tie, and when Magnus shows up, he forces down the jealousy and makes himself look surprised. 

As if he could be. As if Jace had expected anything less. It’s Alec. Who in their right mind would let him go?

Finding out that he’s Valentine’s son is the first thing in a long time that makes sense to Jace. He’s always been wrong. At least now, he has an excuse. And when Alec tries to stop him going with Valentine, from leaving him behind, it hurts. It hurts more than anything he’s ever felt. But it’s all Jace has left to give.

He couldn’t love Alec the way he was supposed to. He could never admit his feelings out loud the way Alec wanted him to. But he can do this. Jace can give up his life to save Alec’s. 

It’s always belonged to him anyway.


End file.
